


You Can Talk to Me

by simplyoverstated



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Cutting, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everybody Lives, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rory and Dean find out, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation, depressed!jess, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-10-29 10:13:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10851855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simplyoverstated/pseuds/simplyoverstated
Summary: Jess has been struggling for a while, and in one day his secret gets out to the girl he loves and the friend he didn't know he had.





	1. Welcome to the world, kid

It was one of those rare spring days when the sun was warm and there was a light breeze rustling the curtains, so that the room was pleasantly warm but not stuffy. It was Sunday, and Rory and Jess sat in comfortable silence in her small bedroom. The only sound was the occasional page turn. It was perfect.

After a while, Jess looked up from his book. He had been sprawled out on his stomach on the floor next to her bed, but now he pushed himself up so he was kneeling next to her, his eyes peering over the edge of the flowery bedspread. She had not noticed him move; her eyes were still focused intently on the book in her hands. He turned his head to see the cover.  _Little Women_.

"Isn't this, like, the fourth time you've read that?" She jumped in surprise, dropping her book. He laughed, and she picked it up and hit him playfully on the arm. 

"Fifth, if you must know" But she was smiling too, her cheeks becoming slightly pink as her eyes averted from his stare. 

"Well, it's a great book" he conceded, and he jumped up nimbly, landing next to her on the tiny bed. She yelped, sliding towards him as the mattress sank a bit in the middle, but he just wrapped his arms around her playfully, nuzzling into her neck until she started giggling uncontrollably. He loved her laugh. 

They wrestled for a moment before settling comfortably into each other, Rory resting her head back onto Jess's shoulder, Jess wrapping his arm around her and planting a kiss on the side of her head. This was where she was meant to be. She ran her fingers absent-mindedly over his arms, lean and toned under his long sleeves from writing and drawing. 

She felt safe here. Jess sighed contentedly, running a hand through her hair. Rory was still sliding her hand up and down his arm, disrupting his sleeve momentarily. She paused, feeling roughness and raised ridges where there should have just been smooth skin. Instantly Jess tensed up beneath her, his arm pulling away from her fingers.

"Jess, what's..." she sat up, grabbing his arm. He resisted weakly, but she managed to turn his wrist over, gasping audibly at the sight. It was only for a moment before Jess pulled away more forcefully, but it was enough to see the horrible landscape of scars and cuts that covered his forearm. "Jess...what happened?"

"I have to go."

"Jess!" She could hear the panic in her voice, but he was out the window before she got out another word. What had just happened? She sat back on the bed, feeling stunned. Her thoughts were slow and sluggish with shock. All she could think was  _Jess...Oh Jess..._

 

* * *

 

He was breathing too hard. His vision blurred and he dashed sideways into the alley behind Dosey's Market, hyperventilating and clutching at his wrist. His nails dug into his skin, hard, and he breathed a little easier. The dumpster he leaned against was cool to the touch, helping to bring him back to himself. As he came back, however, so did the panic and the shame.

"Shit!" he turned and, without thinking, punched the side of the dumpster, crying out at the shooting pain that erupted in his wrist. "God, Damnit! Aahh...damnit." He clutched his arm to him, biting his lip as the pain slowly began to dull to an ache. 

Then he heard the door behind him open, and he froze. 

"Jess...uh, what's...what's going on?" It was Dean. Of course it was Dean. Jess turned around slowly to see him standing awkwardly in the doorway, holding two bags of trash in each hand. God, the kid was so uncomfortably tall.

"Nothing." Jess turned to go. Dean wouldn't say anything to Rory, and Jess needed to get somewhere where he could be alone. But just as he rounded the corner out of the alley, he felt his shirt collar tighten around his neck. He was being pulled by his sweatshirt back into the alley.

"Wha -- Ah! Dude, what the hell? Hands off the merchandise!" 

"Come on, Jess, what's going on?" Jess was taken aback. Normally Dean wanted nothing more than to be as far away from him as possible. Why was he suddenly so concerned?

"I told you, nothing. Must have made a wrong turn." Dean frowned. God, did he know how stupid he looked?

"Do you know how stupid you look?" dean just kept on frowning. "What? What do you want?" To his surprise, Dean sighed, dropping his arms to his side. 

"Jess, come on man. I know, ok? I saw your arm in gym the other day. You know, the one day you actually came to class?" Jesus Christ, did everyone know now? He was about to deny it, to play dumb, but then he stopped.

"Wait, you didn't tell Rory." It wasn't a question. He saw her face when she had seen his arm. There was no way she already knew.

"Of course I didn't." Dean's face was softer, calmer. It made Jess severely uncomfortable. He wanted to be anywhere but here right now. However, as tough as Jess liked to act, Dean was bigger than him. He didn't really have any other choice but to hear him out. 

"Ok. Why?" Dean looked uncomfortable again.

"I don't know, man. It's your business I guess."

"Yeah, it is." There was a way out. "So why the interrogation?" 

"Because," and here his voice rose slightly, "because you're cutting yourself, Man! And that's...that's..."

"Kinda fucked up. Yeah, I know." Jess was surprised at the note of anger in his voice. It wasn't intended. Was he angry at Dean for noticing? Was he angry at himself? He honestly didn't know.

"It's just...I know we've never been, you know, friends or whatever." Jess scoffed. Dean continued. "But...do you have anyone you can talk to? About this?" Jess honestly didn't know what to say. He didn't have anyone to talk to. He couldn't tell Luke. He couldn't talk to Rory. She would freak out. He reminded himself that, most likely, she already was. As indicated by his phone, which had been buzzing nonstop in his pocket. 

"Why do you care" He shot back, hoping to sound venomous, but coming across sounding more like a whiny child. 

"Dude." Dean stepped forward, lifting Jess's arm from where it hung at his side. To both their surprise, Jess didn't pull away. Dean's touch was surprisingly gentle as he rolled up Jess's sleeve to reveal the criss-cross pattern of scars and cuts traveling from his wrist all the way up to the crook of his elbow. The most recent ones, which were also the deepest, ran parallel to the blue veins that must lie underneath the layer of scars.

Dean inhaled sharply, and Jess pulled his arm back slowly.

"Not pretty, huh." Dean just grimaced, as though Jess was slicing  _him_ with the knife.

"No. It's not, Jess." But just then Dean's phone rang. He pulled it out, checking the number, then looking up at Jess.  "It's Rory." Jess's stomach flipped. He hadn't answered, so she calls Dean?

"Answer it." He grumbled, and Dean flipped the phone open, pressing it to his ear. Jess could hear Rory on the other line. She was crying. He couldn't hear what she was saying, but he caught his name. Dean listened for a moment, stuttering every once in a while, trying to get a word in. Jess smiled to himself; good ol' Rory. 

After a few minutes it seemed like she had quieted down a bit. Jess was about ready to make a run for it again, but before he could move, the phone was in front of his face. Dean was holding it out silently. He took it cautiously, bringing it up to his ear.

"Dean? Are you there? He just ran, and I know he won't go home..." She started crying again, softly now. 

"Rory, it's me." 

"Jess?" she sniffed, then her voice was instantly angry. He hadn't expected that. 

"Jess! Where the hell did you go?"


	2. You're All Alone Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess and Rory seek comfort. A mistake is made.

 Jess hung up after promising Rory he was ok, and that they would talk tomorrow. Dean was still standing awkwardly a few feet away, and Jess handed him the phone. They were both silent for another minute. Jess felt the urge to run once more. He was exhausted; he just wanted to sleep. But Dean was looking at him with puppy dog eyes, and he knew he would have to deal with this eventually.

“Listen…” suddenly Dean stepped towards him. Jess backed away instinctively, and Dean stopped, looking sheepish. He moved again, more slowly this time, and placed a hand on Jess’s shoulder. His other hand reached up to wipe away tears that Jess hadn’t noticed were streaming down his face. He tried to look away, but Dean held his face forward gently.

“Jess, just listen.” Jess, against his better judgement, shut his mouth. In spite of himself, he wanted to hear what Dean was going to say. He was very aware of how close Dean was to him, but at least he wasn’t going to hit him like the last time they had met face-to-face.

“I want…I need you to know that…” he faltered, apparently trying to find the words to say what he wanted to say. “Well, people would miss you…ya know, if you offed yourself.” Jess, to Dean’s surprise it seemed, let out a laugh. The whole scene was so absurd.

“Offed myself?” Dean frowned, but Jess was still laughing. Slowly Dean’s face broke, and he chuckled a little, taking  a step back.

“Ok, so I’m not so great at this.”

“No, no, it’s good, it has a nice ring to it” Jess broke into fresh laughter. Dean looked confused, but happy that the tone had lightened a little. They laughed for another moment; Jess felt crazy. _Well, you are kind of crazy_ he reminded himself.

When their laughter died down they were both sitting side by side against the dumpster. “Don’t you have to go back?” asked Jess, motioning towards the door that led into Dosey’s.

“Nah, it’s slow today.” They were silent for another beat, then Jess got up the courage to speak.

“Um, by the way…thanks. For what you said. You know, that if I…”

“Offed yourself?” Jess smiled darkly.

“Yeah, offed myself. That people would…anyway, thanks.”

“Well, it’s true. Rory would be crushed, that’s for sure. And I don’t know if Luke could take that.”

Jess had thought about this all before. He knew full well how much it would hurt Rory and Luke. If he was honest with himself, it was a large part of the reason he hadn’t seriously tried. He knew how deep he could cut without going too far. He had come pretty close, especially recently, but never to the point of no return.

When had it gone from a coping mechanism to this fucked up dance with death? He didn’t remember. It just…he grew emptier. It was exhausting to get through each day. Seeing Rory was the exception, but would she want to have anything to do with him now? Would she ever look at him the same way? His thoughts were interrupted by Dean.

“And, honestly, I’d miss having a capable rival to butt heads with.” Jess looked at him; Dean was smiling, a little sadly. Before he knew what he was doing, Jess had leaned over and pressed his lips to Dean’s. A blissful second, then the taller boy pulled away, looking shocked and confused.

“Whoa!” He jumped up as though he had been burned, and Jess felt a horror building in his chest as he realized what he had done. Dean’s face was bright red, and he muttered something indistinguishable before turning and practically running through the door back into Dosey’s. Jess sat there for a moment, his head spinning. Then he pushed himself up angrily, storming out of the alley and off down the street.

 

* * *

 

Lorelei knew something was wrong the moment she walked in. Rory was sitting on the couch, staring at her phone. Her eyes were slightly red, which meant she had been crying. _Uh oh._

She crossed the room and sat down next to her daughter, set her purse down and started rubbing comforting circles on Rory’s back.

“Hey kid, what’s going on?” Rory looked up.

“Oh, uh, nothing really. It’s just Jess…”

“Jess? What about him, what did he do?”

“He didn’t _do_ anything. I’m just…I don’t know, I guess I’m worried about him?” Ugh, that kid. He was bad news.

“Why are you worried? Is he doing something he shouldn’t?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, like…drugs?”

“No, mom, he’s not doing drugs.” She looked like she was going to start crying again, and Lorelei’s heart broke. She hated seeing Rory like this.

“Come on, babe, spill.” She put her arm around Rory’s shoulder, hugging her closer. “It’ll help you to talk about it. It’s me, remember? They say I’m the best shoulder to cry on this side of the Mississippi.” Rory smiled a little, but it fell almost immediately.

“I…well, when we were hanging out today, I saw…I mean, I thought I saw…he had all these…cuts. On his arms. Like, a lot of them.” Lorelei’s stomach dropped. Rory continued, her voice rising in pitch and speed as she went on, “and I know it might not be anything, but I really think it is and I don’t know what to do! Mom, I don’t know what to do and I…” she was nearly sobbing now, her head buried in her mother’s shoulder, seeking comfort.

Lorelei had always been that comfort. She always knew what to say. Now she had no words. She just held Rory as she cried, rubbing her back automatically, trying to think through things. Finally, after a few minutes, Rory’s cries turned to soft hiccups, and she sat up, wiping her eyes and looking to Lorelei for an answer.

“What do I do, Mom?” Lorelei sighed heavily, pushing Rory’s hair away from her tear-stained cheeks.

“Well, kid, I think I know, but I don't think you're gonna like it.” Rory looked confused, so Lorelei continued. “Babe, I have to tell Luke about this.” A look of fear and anger took the place of confusion on Rory’s face.

“Mom, no! We can’t, he would be so upset, he would hate me!”

“Of course he wouldn’t hate you, Rory. But think about him; he needs help.”

“I know...I know, I just…” she faltered, looking lost. Lorelei looked at her seriously.

“Rory, I know this is scary. It’s big and scary, and you shouldn’t have to deal with it on your own. I’m so glad you came to me, but you understand I have to do this for his and your safety? This is serious, Rory.” She could tell Rory knew she was right. Tears were streaming down her face again. Lorelei pulled her daughter to her again, wishing with all her heart that she could spare Rory this pain. _Oh, Jess…_


	3. Hang in There

Jess wandered for hours, not really knowing where he was going until he arrived at the lake and the bridge. There were a lot of memories here. He and Rory had shared a picnic here once after he had outbid Dean for her basket. This was where Luke pushed him in the lake that one time. The thought brought a small smile to his face.

If he were to jump in now, and just float until he got tired, maybe he could sink without too much discomfort. He tried to imagine what it might feel like for his lungs to fill with water. It would certainly be poetic and angsty, and so not him. But if it would work…

He had fucked everything up. Letting Rory see who he really was, kissing Dean – there was no coming back from that. Even thinking about it stirred up an anger inside his chest that scared him a little. His fingernails clawed into his skin, and he longed to cut. He knew if he cut now it wouldn’t just be superficial. Was he looking for an excuse? Maybe. But if so, he had been given several really good ones.

His mother for one. She didn’t want him, or couldn’t manage him, or whatever. There wasn’t really a difference. Luke didn’t need him fucking everything up all the time. As much as he enjoyed pissing Luke off, he was also very aware of how much of a burden he was. Ever since he had come to Stars Hollow he wanted to leave; but where would he go?

Rory was so kind and beautiful and hopeful. Wouldn’t she be better off without him dragging her down? He loved her, he really did. But he couldn’t be everything she needed, and he didn’t want to have to be. He wanted freedom, but that didn’t seem to exist anymore.

And his feelings for Dean – ones he had denied to himself were real for so long – would not go away, he knew. They would only grow stronger. And that wasn’t allowed, it wasn’t ok.

He didn’t really like Dean like that, he knew. But the kid was attractive, and he was there. It was a small town. All Jess wanted was not to feel like this, to be a different person, or maybe to just not be anyone.

He felt another wave of anger and hurt, he was helpless and hopeless and sniveling weak useless. He slashed out with his nails at his arms, over and over again, breathing faster and faster, unfeeling. He suddenly became aware of the sobs racking his body, and that he was no longer standing. Now a hand was on his wrist, pulling his slashing nails away from his arm. A voice was yelling, a boy’s voice. Dean.

“Jess, Jess! Stop it, god Jess!” Jess stopped fighting and let Dean pull his arms apart, let him grab his shoulders and pull him up to sitting, let him examine his skin where long scratches were starting to bleed there. “Jess…”

“Lme go! Go away, I don’t need you, jus fucking…” He was sobbing too hard to speak. Suddenly he was being embraced, and it was a strange, awkward hug from the taller boy. His shirt smelled like Old Spice.

Everything was crashing down around him, and he let Dean hug his shaking form to him. He would jump in the lake later, cut his wrists open later. Right now he would just be here.

 

* * *

 

Dean wasn’t sure what he was seeing at first. It was Jess, but not the sarcastic, tough Jess he was used to. This boy seemed small and afraid. He was laying on the dock, curled awkwardly into himself and sobbing. Occasionally Dean could make out a word or two. “I c-can’t…no…just…”

He rushed over to Jess’s shaking form, feeling very out of his depth. What on earth was he supposed to do?

“Jess! Hey, Jess, can you hear me?” No response. As he got closer he saw that Jess was digging into his forearm with is fingernails. Dean could see blood. “Jess, Jess! Stop it, god Jess!” He leaned down and pulled his hand away, revealing deep gauges in his skin. “Jess…”

But Jess was starting to fight him now, muttering incoherently. Dean held his ground. He wasn’t going to let Jess hurt himself right here, right now, while he was here and could stop it.

Dean did the only thing that made sense then; he wrapped his arms awkwardly around Jess, holding tightly, trying to convey what he felt (which honestly he wasn’t quite sure of himself).

He supposed it was pity, mostly. But also helplessness in the face of such pure emotion. He himself wasn’t what you would call open with his emotions. He felt awkward even now, holding Jess, trying to calm him down.

“Just…just try to breathe, ok man?” Jess didn’t answer, but he seemed to be calming down a bit.

They sat there for a while, the two of them, both confused and not knowing what to do or how to react. But right now he guessed it didn’t matter. He didn’t know what Jess was going through, not really. He had a pretty loving family. But Jess had Rory. And that kiss? Well, safe to say Dean was confused. But he wasn’t going to let Jess do anything stupid.

 

* * *

 

After a while, Jess was coming back to himself. He was sitting on the doc, holding his knees to him. Dean had let him go, and was sitting a couple feet away, dangling his bare feet in the water. He could tell Dean was watching him out of the corner of his eye.

“Dean…” Dean looked around hurriedly.

“Yeah!” Jess felt distinctly awkward, and the need to run away overtook him again. But he made himself stay; Dean deserved an explanation.

“hey.” They sat in silence for another minute, then Dean spoke.

“Um, listen..I know you said you didn’t wanna talk but –“

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“It’s whatever.” More silence. _This must be what hell feels like._

Jess took a deep breath. “I know you love Rory. I know you don’t want to be here talking with me. I know I freaked you out earlier, but I don’t feel that way about you, not really. I just…”

“Hey, dude, you don’t have to –“

“Just let me say this, ok?” Dean nodded. Jess didn’t know what he wanted to say really. He just knew he didn’t want to be here right now.

“I just…I have trouble getting by. Just like, every day, you know? I feel like…like I wasn’t meant to really get that far. I just don’t belong here.”

“And by ‘here’ you mean…”

“Alive, dude. Here, on this earth. I’m just not meant to be here is all. It’s just a matter of time.”

“You don’t actually believe that, do you?”

“Does it look like I’m exaggerating?” he held out his arms, causing Dean to look away.

“No.” Dean seemed to be thinking hard about something. “Do you think Rory thinks you don’t belong here? Cause I think she would disagree.” Jess looked down.

“She would be better off, she just doesn’t know it. She would never admit it, but it’s true.”

“Hey, Jess…I have to ask. When you kissed me – I mean, you love Rory, right? But you’re into guys?” Jess looked at him angrily, and Dean held up his hands defensively. “I mean, I don’t really care. I’m not into…I mean, I don’t have anything against…” he faltered. Jess took a deep breath.

“I do love Rory. _And_ I’m into…I guess…I don’t know. It’s just shitty; I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Ok.” Silence. Then Dean reached out unexpectedly and placed his hand over Jess’s.

“I’m not into you like that, but maybe…maybe we could be, like…I dunno, friends?” Jess laughed darkly.

“You don’t want to get too attached buddy. I’m not gonna be around for that long.” Dean tensed up, and his hand tightened over Jess’s.

“Yes you will, if I have anything to say about it. And Rory, and Luke, and Kirk and Taylor and – “

“Yeah, I get it, ok? I get it.” Dean didn’t think Jess got it, but he stopped anyways.

They stayed like that, and Jess allowed Dean’s hand to stay on his. And Dean wondered what on earth he could say to save Jess’s life. He came up with nothing.  


	4. On Joy and Sorrow

_If I find my way, how much will I find? -_ In the Sun, Joseph Arthur

* * *

 There was a knock at the door. Lorelei groaned, looking blearily at the clock. It was 3:32 in the morning. “Auugh who the hell –“ She decided whoever it was could wait.

But the knocking continued, and 10 minutes later she was pulling on her robe and swearing profusely as she made her way to the front door. Throwing it open, ready to tell off whoever it was, she was very surprised to see Dean standing there, looking uncomfortable.

“Dean! What’re you…is everything ok?” He looked worried, and guilty. What on earth was going on?

“Hey Lorelei. I’m really sorry to come over here like this.”

“It’s ok, come on in.” She stood aside, her curiosity peaked. “Do you want something to eat? I think we have poptarts…”  
“No, that’s ok.”  
“Do you wanna talk to Rory? Because she has a test tomorrow, and –“

“No, don’t wake her up. I just needed…I needed to tell someone…”

“What is it Dean? Is this about Rory?”

“No! Well, not really.” He rubbed his hand on the back of his neck uncomfortably.

“Not really?” She started to feel panicked. He seemed to pick up on this and backtracked quickly.

“I mean no, it has nothing to do with Rory. It’s…it’s actually Jess…” Jess? She was more confused than ever.

“Come on in, Dean. Go on, sit down. Tell me what’s going on.” She led him into the living room and they both sat on the couch. It had been a while since Dean had been here, and she realized she had kind of missed having him around. He was so good for Rory.

“Well, I don’t know what Rory has told you…Jess hasn’t been having a great go of it lately. I would talk to Luke, but I don’t think he likes me much.” He smiled a little, and Lorelei recalled the Bopp it incident of last year. She nodded.

“She mentioned he might be having some trouble.”

“Yeah. Anyways, he said some stuff to me that made me think maybe he wasn’t safe…like he might, I don’t know, hurt himself or something.”

Lorelei took a deep breath. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to Luke today. She was going to see him tomorrow. But if Dean of all people was worried about Jess, maybe the situation was worse than she originally thought.

“What did he say exactly?”

“Well, we were at the lake until about an hour ago…”

“An hour ago? Like 2 in the morning an hour ago?”

“Well, yeah, I mean he had a little bit of a breakdown, I guess, and I didn’t wanna leave him alone.”

“Ok, yeah” she shook her head, trying to wake herself up enough to think clearly. “Well where is he now?”

“I don’t know, actually. He kind of ran away, after saying a bunch of scary stuff about, like, dying and stuff” he looked so uncomfortable. Lorelei’s blood felt cold.

“When was that?”

“An hour ago, I mean I’ve been looking for him and I kinda started to freak out so I thought maybe you could…” he tapered off, looking down at his hands. She realized suddenly that he was fighting back tears. “Maybe you could help or something.”

“Ok.” She stood up and started rummaging around for her jacket and shoes. Dean looked surprised. “Come on, we’re going to Luke’s.”

He didn’t protest, but followed her quietly out to her jeep. Lorelei’s heart was still beating very fast. She was thinking about Rory as she started up the car and pulled out of the driveway.

 

* * *

 

Rory awoke suddenly as the front door slammed loudly. “Mom?” There was no answer. She pushed herself up groggily, looking at the clock. _What the hell?_ “Mom?” she called louder this time, but there was still no sound. “What in the world –“ she swung her legs over the side of the bed, shivering at the cold. The house was empty, but the lights in the living room were on. Her mother wasn’t in her room. What was going on?

She pulled out her cell phone and dialed her mother’s number hurriedly.

_Rory?_

“Mom! Where are you, what’s going on?”

_Rory, it’s ok. Dean came over, he was a little worried about Jess so I’m…_

“Jess? What – why didn’t you wake me up?”

_It’s not a big deal, Babe, I’m just gonna go to Luke’s for a minute and get Dean home, then I’ll come back. You should go to bed, you have that test tomorrow._

“I don’t – will you call me if something happens?”

_Of course. I’ll keep you updated._

“Ok. Bye…” She hung up, feeling considerably more panicked than she had before. What would make her mother, Lorelei Gilmore, go out in the middle of the night to check on Jess of all people? Was he in trouble? Was this about the cuts she had seen?

She couldn’t just sit here, wondering. She had to go to Luke’s. As she was pulling on a pair of jeans, however, she heard the back door open and close. _What the hell?_ Footsteps in the kitchen, heavy ones. She froze. Suddenly there was a knock on her bedroom door.

“Rory?” She let out the breath she had been holding.

“Jess? What are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to see you.” He wasn’t smiling, but he stepped close to her and embraced her. She was more than a little surprised, but she hugged him back tight. It was several minutes before they finally pulled apart.

“Not that I’m not really happy to see you, but…it’s almost 4 in the morning. Is something – is something wrong?” He cupped her face in his hands and stared intensely into her eyes. She half wanted to look away, but she didn’t. She maintained eye contact, searching his face for something, anything, that might give away what was going on in his mind.

He shook his head, a small smile flitting momentarily across his lips, and he kissed her deeply and passionately. When they pulled apart once more there were tears streaming down his face. This she had never seen, and it scared her.

“Jess. Please tell me what’s wrong? I just – I want to understand.”

“If I knew, do you think I’d be here?” She didn’t know what to say to this. Instead of answering, she took his hand and led him gently over to the kitchen table. He sat down and started twiddling his thumbs. Was he actually nervous? With her?

Feeling uncomfortable, she started moving around the kitchen getting out mugs and boiling water for tea.

“You want?” She asked, holding up a box of Oolong. He shrugged. She decided to make him some anyway.

 

When the tea was made and they were sitting at the kitchen table nursing their hot mugs, Rory decided to give it another go.

“Jess…” She wasn’t sure where to start.

“Rory…” he mimicked her tone, the corner of his mouth twitching when she looked annoyed.

“Jess, I’m not really in a joking mood.” His face grew serious once more, but there was still a mocking tone behind it. Great, he was uncomfortable and putting up a front, like he always did. Well she wasn’t going to buy it.

“Dean and my mom are at Luke’s right now looking for you.” That sobered him up. He leaned forward in his seat where before he had been lounging back lazily.

“Dean and your _mom?_ Why?”

“Well, apparently you’re telling everyone about what’s going on with you except for me.” He grimaced. His hand moved to his wrist, apparently unconsciously. Her eyes followed it, and narrowed. “You haven’t done anything…stupid, have you?”

He saw her looking suspiciously at his sleeve and sighed, hoisting it up around his elbow.

“No. Not tonight. And here, you wanna see? You wanna see the freak show?” He pulled up his other sleeve too, holding both arms out to her and watching her face intensely. She looked, trying to keep her expression neutral. There were no new cuts. But seeing them like this, so blatent…

“Ok, good.” She was trying very hard not to cry. It wasn’t what he needed. He sat back and pulled his sleeves down once more, looking very unhappy. There was a very heavy silence between them.

“Hey Jess?”

“Yes.” He was avoiding her eyes.

“Hold on for just a minute, I wanna read you something.”

“Read me –” but before he could get out another word she had jumped up and run into her room. He could hear her moving things around, looking for something.

It took her a while to find the one she wanted. She thought of it after talking to her mom earlier that day. She knew it was around here somewhere... “Aha!” When she emerged once more, old leather volume in hand, Jess had laid his head wearily on the table. She sat down next to him carefully and began to read.

" _On Joy and Sorrow:_

_Your joy is your sorrow unmasked._

_And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears._

_And how else can it be?_

_The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain._

_Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?_

_And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?_

_When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy._

_When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight_."

Jess had sat up and was listening intently. As she reached the end of the line, he interjected. “Khalil Gibran? Really?” She smiled sneakily.

“I know you love him. You know my favorite quote of his?”

“No, what?”

“’ _Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.’”_ He looked at her then, not in mockery or accusation, but with love and sadness.

She wanted to heal him, to make him not feel this way. But she knew she couldn’t. Instead she flung her arms around him, unable to resist the physical comfort anymore. “I love you, Jess.” She whispered into his shoulder, wetting his shirt with fresh tears. He hugged her to him more tightly, burying his face in her hair.

“I love you too.”


	5. You're not alone, Kid

Lorelei knocked on the door, hard, knowing Luke would be asleep and grumpy. Dean stood behind her awkwardly, shifting his weight and fidgeting. They hadn’t spoken in the ride over. This was untread territory for both of them.

After a few minutes of hammering, she heard stomping and swearing, and the door opened to reveal a messy-haired, pajama-d and pissed off-looking Luke. She had to force herself not to laugh; he looked like a caricature.

“Wha—Lorelei? What are you—” He broke off, seeing Dean over her shoulder. “What the hell – why are you here? I mean, not that I’m not – what?”  

Lorelei sighed. “Hey, it’s kind of a long story. Can we come in?”

He looked very lost, but he stood aside for them. “Um, yeah…sure, come on.”

Soon enough they were sitting at the counter as Luke moved around making them coffee and swearing under his breath. Lorelei couldn’t help but smile despite the situation. He cared so much, about Jess, about her and Rory. She loved him for that.

He poured two steaming cups and handed them to her and Dean. Then he leaned on the counter, looking very apprehensive.

“Ok, you have your coffee. What’s going on?”

And she told him about her concerns, about what Rory had seen and what Dean had told her. She told him that Jess was safe now, that Rory had texted her a few minutes ago and let her know that Jess was with her and he was ok, but that there was something serious going on and Jess needed help.

Then she handed him a slip of paper with a name and a phone number scribbled in her messy scrawl.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a therapist, a good one.” He took it, looking very overwhelmed.

“He’s – he’s been _cutting_ himself?”

She nodded. “Obviously he’s hurting; he’s depressed, and he feels alone. He needs professional help, but he also needs to know that you aren’t gonna give up on him Luke.” He looked at her, searching her eyes desperately. She looked back, unwavering. “And Luke…you’re not alone in this either. We all care about Jess, however…however _difficult_ he may be sometimes…he’s family.”

To her surprise, Dean spoke up, his voice a little raspy from disuse, looking very nervous. “Yeah, I mean…It’s Jess. I don’t think he realizes how much…that he’s important here. To this town and stuff, I mean.” He looked instantly as though he wished he hadn’t spoken, but Luke was looking at him seriously.

“Ok. Ok, I guess I’ll,” he waved the paper, “call this, uh, lady and we’ll –” he faltered, and Lorelei lay her hand over his.

“Yeah. We will.”

 

Later Luke would ask Lorelei how she knew the therapist who had helped Jess so much, and she would smile and take his hand and squeeze it. _We all need a little help sometimes._

 

A few months later Rory would be in Jess’ room as he sat on the bed reading, and she would smile at the row of his bookshelf dedicated to Khalil Gibran.

 

When Jess’s children asked him years later about the landscape of scars on his arms, he would tell them that they were battle wounds. He would tell them that they never had to fight anything alone, and he would pick them up and kiss them, and spin them around. Rory would come over to him and smile, and they would share a knowing look, and she would squeeze his hand in hers.

 

He thanked Rory, once, for saving his life. She told him that she hadn’t, that he had saved himself. _You just needed to know you weren’t alone, that’s all._

_I love you._

_I love you too._

 

Jess’s family was an odd one. It was his crabby uncle, and his enemy-turned-friend, and it was Rory and Lorelei, and Paul Anka, and the town of Stars Hollow. And it just kept growing, over the years, and Jess thanked the universe every day that he had lived to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.crisistextline.org/suicide?gclid=CjwKCAjwrO_MBRBxEiwAYJnDLDspL7hZPQCR65UINoZ3ibhs97_qv3FM8AOHDHFhIUchJxn4w3Rz6hoCpVkQAvD_BwE
> 
> You're not alone.


End file.
